12 of “A Million Ways to Die”

What does it say about me that, right now, I have a new Alan Jackson tune stuck in my head? And that it’s just the theme song from a Seth MacFarlane (Family Guy, Ted) comedy?

The song’s called “A Million Ways to Die,” and it’s from the upcoming film A Million Ways to Die in the West, due in theaters May 30.

Obviously, a million ways would never fit in one little two-minute song. But Jackson sure does a thorough job of listing about a dozen of the gruesome ways.

Here is a sample of the deadly-but-poetic lyrics:

Cowboys and pioneers, come lend your eyes and ears
I’ve got the need to testify
Don’t try to build your nest out in the open West
’Cause there’s a million way to die
Six bullets in the gut or just a paper cut
They’ll cut your ankle off to cure a minor cough
’Cause there’s a million way to die, a million ways to die
It’s a hundred and one in the shade of the sun
If you fall asleep, you fry
You can live like a saint, but there just really ain’t no avoidin’
The million ways to die
Small pox and bigger pox and deadly tomahawks
Or, God forbid, you steal a pie
They’ll blast you into shards for being good at darts

(Then there’s a really gross part about coyotes that I can’t bring myself to type.)

MacFarlane tweeted on Monday (April 28) that the song is available on iTunes.

The Western comedy stars Charlize Theron, Amanda Seyfried, Liam Neeson, Giovanni Ribisi, Sarah Silverman, Neil Patrick Harris and MacFarlane himself as a sheep farmer.