But when he announced on Ryan Seacrest’s radio show that he and Taylor Swift will be recording some music (artistry) together, all I could think was “Swift is doing fine. Why doesn’t he find another way to express his obvious greatness?”
Here are some suggestions, which, considering his ability to lead generations of average people like me, should last through next week or so.
1. Cure Cancer
Scientists are pretty smart, but how many multi-platinum albums have they discovered in the last 10 years? None. I bet the secret ingredient is ground-up Lamborghini.
2. Fix California’s Drought
America’s food supply is in danger. There’s just not enough rain falling. Step 1: Start bottled-water company. Step 2: Put water in custom-designed crystal bottles (‘cause, duh). Step 3: Buy airplanes. Step 4: Drop bottled water out of airplanes onto California.
3. Self-Driving Cars
Google is taking too long. We need to be able to view Kim’s latest Instagram selfie on the way to our pathetic jobs. For navigation, just have them follow the voices inside their computers and other, lesser, cars to their destination.
4. Invent the Three Seashells
You’ve seen Demolition Man, right? Your incredible genius should be able to easily solve this lingering sanitation issue.
5. Solve the Obesity Epidemic
Fat people won’t be able to fit into your new clothing line, which means fashion, and consequently, human civilization, will suffer. Maybe they’re not getting enough gold leaf in their diets?
5. Make College More Affordable
I know you dropped out of college, but not everybody is brilliant enough to recognize how much higher education is holding them back. And apparently, most average people have loads of student debt. Maybe you could explain this to the President of College and convince him to drop his prices?
6. End All War
This one is easy. There are still some cultures in the world who, unbelievably, haven’t fully realized the true impact of your artistry. They still cling to the old messiahs, without understanding that you’ve changed everything. So, just go to the Middle East and tell them.