Reasons Why Tim McGraw Will Never Find That Girl

I know Tim McGraw just released "Meanwhile Back at Mama's," a collaboration with his wife Faith Hill, as his new single, but I keep thinking about his previous one, "Lookin' for That Girl."

I hate to have to break this to him, but "that girl" that he's looking for? She doesn't exist.

So it's no wonder he sings that she's hard to find and why he's spending all night driving around, hitting bars and parties to no avail.

I get that he'd want someone with a smile like a country song. But other than that, his litany is kind of unrealistic. Let's break down the qualities McGraw is searching for in one woman.

A party all-nighter: This girl is out there, for sure. Walk into any country bar at 2 a.m., and there she'll be -- dancing with her eyes closed, telling anyone who will listen that she loves this song so much and begging her friends to stay for one more teeny weeny drink before they take her home. She won't wake up until about noon the next day. And when she does, she'll be hung over and filled with remorse.

A little strawberry winer: So he's just looking for Deana Carter, then? Who else but the singer of the very best young-love song of 1996 could fit that description better? In a day and age when girls are drinking too much vodka, I like that McGraw is at least trying to find one that has a taste for something sweet and/or bittersweet.

A love gunslinger: Um, if a girl is slinging a love gun, she's probably not a girl. All I can picture when McGraw sings this is the part in the Kiss song "Love Gun" that asks the girl to pull his trigger.

Neon Jägerbomb country-okee singer: So let's see. This girl has dropped a shot of Jägermeister into her beer, and now she's singing country karaoke songs. Well, she sounds super fun. Probably not the quality you'd look for in a Mrs. Right. But a Mrs. Right Now? This girl will do just fine. Good luck prying her hands off the mic, though.

Hair like a field of gold: In other words, a girl who is a slave to L'Oreal Preference No. 9.5 Beige Blonde? McGraw shouldn't be so specific when I'm assuming any blond would do.

Body like a honeycomb: Is this body type somewhere between an hourglass figure and a one with a thigh gap? This makes no sense. Maybe what McGraw means is that he wants her body to taste like honey, as opposed to physically resembling a cluster of hexagonal wax cells full of larvae, pollen and honey.

Blowin' smoke in a back road gravel cloud: It is very unlikely that a woman who has been drinking Jägerbombs and/or strawberry wine would be driving. Especially fast enough to stir up gravel clouds. And if she is, the only one who should be lookin' for this girl is a cop.

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